Here and Now

 

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I am dying. Dying of excitement for my book launch, of course, but also in the literal sense. Three years ago, when my thyroid condition — aptly named Graves Disease — was at its most acute, my mortality was a daily reminder since my immune system kept shutting down. Compared to that period, I feel practically invincible these days. I eat a lot more vegetables and I rarely get sick, but it still doesn’t change the fact that I am schlepping toward my demise, albeit slowly, every day. We all are. It’s the one certainty in life: we have an expiration date.

I took the bus to a meeting in downtown Seattle yesterday and observed my fellow passengers. The vast majority sat or stood with head bent, earphones blaring, transported elsewhere via their tiny screens. Except for two people. A lovely young woman wearing a striped shirt plunked herself next to me and pulled out a thick, hardback book from her designer bag. I cast sidelong glances as her aqua-painted nails flipped each page as she read. Flip, pause, pause, flip. She was a fast reader. And directly across from me, a man with an unruly tuft of beard sprouting from his chin (sans mustache) rested an obviously brand new copy of Remains of the Day on his rounded belly. I watched as he sank deeply into the chapter, occasionally turning the pages back to double-check on something. Maybe he’d forgotten a detail? Maybe he was verifying continuity?

At any rate, these two stood out in the sea of digitally-immersed passengers. Books can be distractions too, but I’ve always connected more deeply to myself when I read. Perhaps that’s just me.

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I’ve been thinking a lot about presence. The here and now, if you’ll allow me.

M said the other day, “When we have some money saved, we’ll go on a nice vacation.” Something fun to look forward to, to be sure, but then I wondered if that statement is actually saying “We’ll be happier/better when we have some money saved and we can go on a nice vacation.” It’s how most of my thoughts seem to be structured.

“I’ll feel content when I look more fit and this funky cyst on my cheek is gone.”

“I’ll be better when I have a regular income.”

“I’ll be happier when I finally get the house organized.”

I know that I’ve been annoyingly bringing up how I have so many deadlines, and last night I was furiously typing away while half-focused on cooking dinner, trying to meet an upcoming deadline. Then my neighbor texted me, inviting us to have an impromptu picnic dinner out on our shared front yard. “It’s so beautiful,” she declared, “we need to be outside.” The evening was glorious and balmy, borrowing summer weather for a night. I abandoned the laptop and my barely done soup, and she fed us chicken and green beans and crock-pot pinto beans. I contributed roasted potatoes, watermelon cubes and Sardinian crackers from Trader Joe’s. We sat on batik blankets, kids and parents clustered tightly together, chatting easily the way people who have lived in stone’s throw proximity for years can seamlessly discuss memories and future plans. But we were present, in the here and now (or is it “there and then” since I’m referring to the past?).

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A diagnosis for a debilitating illness is like a clarion call, a sudden honing of the psyche to bring to fore what really matters. When my endocrinologist told me how serious my condition was, I recalled the astonishing clarity I gained when I first inserted my contacts after squinting at everything for months because I was too embarrassed to wear my clunky glasses in middle school. I felt ridiculous that I’d been walking around blind for so long. Three years ago, I may have looked and felt like a hospice patient, but it forced me to take stock of priorities: Health. People. Truly meaningful activities. Everything else felt inconsequential.

It’s funny how remission and the passage of time will slough off the sharp edges of focus. Nowadays, I’m just as digitally-immersed and paradoxically disconnected as all those people on the bus seemed. I obviously need to learn the same lessons over and over and over.

I don’t know how much time I have left and though I’m certain that I’ve been able to push back my expiration date a good chunk by changing my lifestyle, I’d like to be better at pausing and being nowhere else but here, in that elusive moment. Not my forté, I admit. I’m a natural born planner and a worrier and a get-caught-up-er. But I want to be able to have spur-of-the-moment al fresco dinners, and leisurely read books that connect me to myself, and snuggle with my loves. I’m not aiming to shirk responsibilities or to go off the grid to meditate with a swami. I just want to stop chronically prefacing every idea with “I’ll be happier/better/more content when…” and be okay with what I’ve already got going on. I want to squeeze the good stuff out of the months, days, hours, minutes, seconds…like an industrial strength juicer to get all the vitamins and electrolytes and energy-boosters. And I also want to face the less-than-good stuff — the hurts, the frustrations, the disappointments and anger — without flinching and without falling into a self-imposed tunnel of gloom. A challenge of the highest order, don’t you think?

I’m just thinking as I write, as usual.

P.S. The topmost graphic is actually Japanese calligraphy from a book by Mistuo Aida that a friend gifted me almost twenty years ago. It translates to “Here and Now”.

P.P.S. The other drawings are by K, which I keep in my journal. They make me happy and seemed to go well with the calligraphy.

A Tiny Little Nani Iro Dress

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Good morning! This weekend I stitched up a teeny tiny dress for a friend’s employer’s daughter (it’s a long story), and I was flooded by memories of when I first started sewing for K. Oh, how I struggled back then! I couldn’t figure out how to attach a bodice lining; I remember being stumped by which function to select on my sewing machine to create button holes.

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And although things have gotten much easier and a whole lot less stressful in terms of sewing, I’ve become quite accustomed to whipping up t-shirts for K so I was surprised by how long this itty bitty sundress took to construct. Of course, because it’s a gift, I was extra careful with my stitching (not so with things I create for K) and didn’t rush anything.

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The fabric is a luscious Nani Iro double-gauze with metallic polka dots from Miss Matatabi. I lined the bodice with a cream cotton lawn from my stash, which should feel nice and smooth against the very chic recipient’s skin. I was happy to bust out my oldie but goodie pattern book, which K has long outgrown. Such a good book! I’m going to have to find more little ones to sew for because I just love the super small sizes.

I mean look at the difference between 90cm and 130cm, which is K’s current size:

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I actually made the same square-necked dress in size 120cm for K here, but I didn’t have a good comparison photo, so plopped this geometric one there instead. K was about 3 years old when she wore 90cm. I just can’t believe how much my girl’s grown in the last five years…

Anyway, the polka dotted sweet frock is on its way to California — bon voyage!

Happy Friday + Randomness

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Happy Friday! Hey, Little K’s in a magazine! The book got a nice write-up in the May issue of Seattle Magazine, available on stands now. I loved that the fact checker asked if the islands and body of water shown in the first spread actually exist. The answer is no, and in fact, I forgot all about it until now, but I made it so that the islands form the Japanese character for “people” or “hito“. I don’t know, I thought that would be fun. I showed you the progression from sketch to final here. The other two books featured — Arrow to Alaska and Elliot the Otter — are also Spring titles from Sasquatch, so I’m in great company!

I’ve been burning the midnight oil behind the scenes on various book-related projects, and thanks to all the great productivity tips I got from you, I accomplished an enormous amount this week and I tell you, the timer trick is the way to go. I’m prone to procrastination and am an incorrigible over-planner so it can be a deadly combination.

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The winner of the pullover giveaway is Melinda, congrats!

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Thank you so so much
Love that furoku members
are growing slowly*

*I’ve never expected nor wanted a ginormous response, and for me, this gradual and steady pace feels just right. There are no guarantees, of course, but it’s starting to feel like I’m actually going to achieve my end-of-the-year goal!

 

Monthly Income Report + Furoku Membership Sign-ups

 

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Before I go into my monthly income report, I’ve received several emails from people wanting to join the Furoku membership, so as promised, I’m opening it up again! I find it mind-boggling and buoying and humbling that folks are willing to travel with me on this admittedly undefined and slapdash adventure of mine. To sum up what was part of last month’s furoku, I receive the loveliest of comments from Kay:

Dear Sanae,

I received my first furoku and am totally delighted! Frankly, I did not expect much — I really joined to help you out in your big adventure but your furoku is worth every bit of my investment. Love reading your story, love the mini cards and yes, I did print them up on cream colored cardstock and they turned out beautifully! This was my first time doing something like that and it was easy with your clear instructions. Your artwork is gorgeous and I am oddly quite proud to be the owner of these original cards and can’t wait to use them. Not sure I like cutting out the envelopes but they are charming and really, the cards do need made to order matching envelopes. I was also touched by your donation of part of the proceeds to a worthy cause. And thank you also for the discount for fabric! This furoku was a big hit with me and I can’t wait until next month!

p.s. Cutting out the envelopes took very little time and they are so well shaped that folding is intuitive as well as professional looking. Also viewed the video and enjoyed it immensely!

 

It is quite possibly the most validating and motivating comment ever — thank you, Kay!! I know that I won’t nail it every month (and I’m sure that I probably didn’t even come close to nailing it for some of the furoku members…I promise to do my best though), particularly while I’m still working on book #2, but I have to tell you: I have so many ideas! My idea cup overfloweth. I want to be able to customize the monthly furoku as much possible and my ultimate aim is to create a very collaborative space. And guess what? The collaboration has already started…Per Kay’s comment, I included downloadable mini cards, and you can get a peek of one of them up at the very top (that little French bulldog up there is actually modeled after one of the member’s pups).

Then unbeknownst to me, fabulous Greta utilized Spoonflower to create this one-of-a-kind fabric with my designs (I made them copyright free in the hopes people will do exactly something like this) and sewed a dress!!!!! She sent me these photos:

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Blown. Away. The Spoonflower fabric is cotton poplin, the pattern is the Geranium by Made by Rae, the skirt fabric is Joel Dewberry. I was so moved and was crying so much, K thought I’d broken a bone or something. Oh, I love the piping and the cute little buttons. Greta, I have no adequate words.

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And other collaborations are in the works!! I have most of Furoku #2 done (it’s very different from #1), and I think this one will be really fun. It all still sounds amorphous, I’m aware, but can you tell that creative energy is abrewing?

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Okay, onto the monthly income report. Aside from the one week of spring break, I’ve been channeling the kind of focus reserved for surgeons and snipers on book #2 (thank you SO much for the productivity tips, they’ve been super helpful!) and considering that I launched all this at the end of March, I kept my expectations very low. The total came out to a little less than $400 — $377.81 to be exact — but I’m flabbergasted that I have anything to report. I’ll reserve the details for members, but I had a couple of income sources in March. It’s daunting, seeing the $20,000 column looming over the tiny sliver of March 2015…However, Little Kunoichi is about to spread her wings into the big wide world, I’m narrowing down which products to create/sell and who knows how things will shake out by December 2015?

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My hope is that by July, I’ll be in full membership website development mode. If you’d like to join to have a major say in how the membership site will be crafted and get a unique digital gift every month, I hope you’ll sign up if you haven’t already:

[UPDATE: removed until next month!]

I’m still trying to figure out the whole tracking thing with subscriptions (technology is not my strong suit), so will keep the button up until the end of next week, and will re-open sign-ups mid-May-ish. A million thank yous for all the encouragement and support!! I am so very grateful.

A Past Monday Outfit Giveaway [CLOSED]

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Good morning! Time is of the essence as I juggle multiple projects for deadlines that are coming up at the end of the month. In my characteristic overly optimistic way,  K and I planned some fun outfits for me to sew up for her this weekend, and of course, by late Saturday evening it was obvious the outfits weren’t going to happen.

My harried state of being was abundantly evident on that same Saturday evening when K, her friend and I swooped into the theater parking area (we had tickets for Robinhood, if you recall) with 9 minutes to spare. I’d just negotiated a labyrinthine series of construction roadblocks which made a normally 10-minute drive into a crazed, 35-minute one. Fortunately, I’m freakishly paranoid about being late for anything and always leave excessively early. I cut off the engine and frantically fished through my bag for my wallet to insert my debit card into the parking meter. Nothing. No wallet! I’d left it at home. This is something so rare, K gasped.

“We’ll have to miss the play,” I announced gravely. I had no money to pay for parking, no ID to show for the will-call tickets. 8 minutes until showtime.

The girls were crestfallen, and it’s amazing how the brain kicks in when faced with two stricken-looking tweens. I restarted the car, zoomed into the nearby grocery store parking lot — conveniently located roughly two blocks from the theater — and the three of us hauled ourselves at breakneck speed toward the will-call window. The women behind the glass didn’t even ask for my identification and placed the tickets into my sweaty palms. I glanced at the clock: 1 minute until showtime!

Robinhood was awesome. It had a bit of a contemporary twist to it (think disco music), and was full of humor and excellent performances. Note to self: I better go back to that grocery store and buy a ton of food – I’m feeling guilty about parking not-so-legally.

For spring break last week, I tried really hard to focus on K and spending time with her; I also tried desperately to find small pockets of time to hustle on work-related tasks when she was happily occupied with friends, but those were hard to come by. Though I felt good about prioritizing family time, I’ve been tamping down my mounting distress that other things are not getting done. Laundry? Psh. Cleaning? I wish dust farming existed, as I seem to excel at harvesting dust bunnies. As much as I love them, I’ve been cursing all those sound-bitey Ted Talks and books about organization and prioritization — I do think they help remind me about what’s important, but they’re useless when it comes to dealing with the uneasy feelings that come with choosing relationships over impending work deadlines and basic home maintenance.

Anyway. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. I may not be gracefully executing my projects, and I may be throwing out a cop-out post offering up a hardly worn garment for a giveaway (and it’s possible I’ll do this again next week), but childhood is fleeting and memory-making is priceless, no?

I’m not sure if anyone is going to want this pullover I made a while ago. It’s super stylish, I think, but it’s not animal print which is the singular most important criteria for K as we all know. So it’s up for grabs. It’s about a 5T in size and it’s not perfectly made, but I was pretty proud of figuring out what was one of the most complicated pocket instructions to date.

I’ve heard of pomodoro techniques, GTD, et al — but if you would like to enter the giveaway, I’d be delighted to know: what’s your most effective productivity or focusing techniques? Do you hide your phone/devices? Or conversely do you live and die by a particular app? Clearly, I need some help and love recommendations from folks.

The giveaway will be open until this Thursday, April 23rd and I’ll announce the winner on Friday. Do I need to mention that international entries are welcome at this point? Good luck!

P.S. Apparently there was some kind of technical glitch on Friday and people weren’t able to leave comments – sorry about that! It’s all fixed now, I believe.